On Italia and the Cowardly Lion

Italy is a most curious nation. It possesses a distinct identity, but shares many aspects with other countries. France, like Italy, can be used as a name drop if you wish to present yourself as a pompous self-loathing douche fag. For example: “Excuse me sir, I only drink French wine” or “Oh, I am glad you asked me about my rug. It's Italian, you know”. Certainly we can also see a similarity between Italy and America: they take great pride in their nationality. What's not to take pride in? They have the Coliseum, a city where the streets are made of rivers, and the Pope. Likewise, America has Madison Square Garden, New Orleans, and Rev. Al Sharpton.

One of Italy's most distinguishing features is its love of pasta. It is undeniable. Ever since Italy stole the concept from the Chinese, Italians could not resist the magic of pasta. This particular feature actually makes them feline. The logic is as follows:

1. Italy loves pasta.

2. Cats love lasagna.

3. Lasagna is pasta.

4. Italy loves lasagna.

Therefore, through this flawless logic, Italians must be cats.

This proof of the “felinity” of Italy has interesting implications. It forces questions like “What kind of cat is Italy?” or “Does Italy cough up slobbery fur balls?” Unfortunately, I cannot answer the latter question, but perhaps I may be able to shed some light on the first. Through the Roman Empire, Italy ruled the world like a king. Perhaps like a king of the jungle. And what is the king of the jungle? You guessed it: a lion. Italy has already been recognized as prideful. Lions travel, hunt and live in packs called prides. Some may call this a coincidence, but I call it evidence. Italy is a lion.

Lions take what they want. Lions are masters of their territory. Lions kill. I believe it was the astute Nicholas Cage who once said, “We come from a long line of robbers and highwaymen in Italy, you know. Killers, even.” Further insight into the undeniable truth. But why must we stop there? We must continue to prod the idea with questions. What kind of Lion is Italy? Perhaps it is a happy lion, or maybe a green lion. Dare I say, a lion voiced by James Earl Jones? While none of these are bad inferences, I believe none of them accurately describe Italy.

Let us take a moment to divulge into Italy's history of war. When Rome was first sacked and burned, no resistance was offered. After another potential attack, the Roman Empire fled from Italy altogether. In both World War I and World War II, Italy switched their alliance mid-war to the winning side. The Germans know how to lose a war. They do it with courage and honor. Italy on the other hand, they just say “Mama Mia Donatello! We-a-picked the wrong side-a-again! Oh well we will just join-a the Americanolis”. This rather racist account of Italian history reveals a lack of courage. A lack of courage is cowardice. This is to say, that Italy is a cowardly lion.

If Italy is a cowardly lion, then it is safe to assume that Italy is the cowardly lion. And if we were to continue in this fashion, clearly this would make China the tin man for its industrial nature and lack of heart. France would be Dorothy because she is a whiney twat with a vagina. Toto would be Canada because they are both useless. The wicked witch of the west would be North Korea because she, like North Korea, is an unstable cunt who commands a horde of flying monkeys. Russia is Auntie Em because they share a nagging drinking problem. America is the scare crow. Why? Because although we may have no brains at times, Dorothy/ France owes us a bj. And, in the sequel, the scare crow becomes the king of and Oz. America is king of the world.

As I have empirically shown above, the fact that Italy loves itself some pasta proves that America is king of the World.

Fin.

Zeus Vs. Odin

Jimmy: Clearly the Norse Pantheon of Gods is far superior to the Greek Pantheon. The Norse Gods epitomize all that pagan Gods should be, while the Greek Gods are no more than lunatic, immortal humans. Take a look at the two head gods of each pantheon. Zeus, of the Greek Pantheon, killed his own father and “knew” (biblical sense) one of his daughters. That is not what I would call a great God, and yet he is the greatest the Pantheon has to offer. Odin, also known as Wotan, is the leader of the Norse Gods. He stabbed his own eye out to be able to see into the future. That is a god. Zeus is the god of the sky and thunder. Who can respect a god whos most feared weapon is clouds? Odin is the Norse god of wisdom and war with control over a metaphysical dominion, giving him superiority over all that is in the tangible world. Not to mention, Odin has two palaces and the mead hall, Valhalla. Zeus has a mole hill he calls a mountain. Clearly Odin is the superior God.

Will: How dare you belittle the great Zeus! Do you even know who your talking about?! This is the Clinton of the Greek world. This is the guy who seduced one of the hottest babes in the world as a bull! Do you know how difficult it is to be a sexy bull?! Let me tell you, its super difficult. This is the guy that in stead of getting caught cheating, turned his lover into a cow (He had a thing for cows).

Who could blame him?

This is the guy who had so many sons he could start a divine intercity softball league. So pardon me when I claim that Zeus is better than cyclops, clumsy old Odin (O-dumb!) who rides a very impractical 8 legged horse and eats with dead guys.

Jimmy: I do indeed know whom I am talking about. Zeus is a clown with a beard. He wears a bed sheet. The fact that he got with this babe as a bull would seem to speak more to her own lunacy than Zeus prowess with the opposite gender. Odin has the ability to change into any animal, and not just a bull. Besides, Zeus has no son who can stand up to Odin’s son Thor. Thor is the thunder god who wields a baddass magical hammer named Mjolnir.

And Odin may be a Cyclops, but he can see the future, something Zeus definitely cannot do. Zeus clearly has an inferiority complex which is why he is the Pepe Le Pew of the pagan gods. On top of everything, Merlin and Gandalf, two of the most powerful characters in all of literature, were based upon Odin. Zeus has nothing to match that legacy.

Will: Zeus is a God of many talents. The main one being cheating on his wife. And although adultery isnt usually a good thing, since he does it while throwing lightning bolts I think some exceptions can be made. Odins shape shifting means nothing to me.The Animorphs could change into animals too but it doesn't mean I'm going to worship them.

With computer animation this good, I don't see why not.

It matters more what you do when you shape shift and in Zeus' case, he did a lot. A whole lot.

Who the hell is Thor anyway besides a B list Marvel superhero with a fruity helmet?

I think Zeus has less an inferiority complex and more a libido the size of Mount Olympus itself. And you want legacy? How about the Disney movie "Hercules" for legacy? Although that showed more the soft patronly side of Zeus and less the turning into a swan and committing more adultery side.

Jimmy: Although just being able to change into an animal is not basis for worship, Odin has many aspects that set him apart from the Anamorphs. To name a few, he has a magical ring that multiplies every nine days, an unbreakable spear and he happens to be the father of all mankind. Zeus was the father of a series of children he decided to eat.

Don't cite Disney movies at me, you bastard. "Hercules" has only a small role for Zeus in which he commits zero adultery. Are you kidding me? A swan?! Obviously Greek women have unhealthy obsessions with animals. Odin usually wears battle armor and sits in his throne while Zeus is in the form of a platypus and tries to seduce his own daughter. It is clear that Odin is the one worth worshiping. He is wise, strong, and hardcore enough to cut out his own eye.

Will: Zues is a God of Great ambition. He led the charge against the Titans and overthrew them making him the leader of the Gods. He has a staff of lighting that he hurls around when he is angry. He is a passionate lover and a fervent liar, and he was loved by his people. Odin is just a senile old man who doesn't remember the last time he changed his adult diaper. He is the creepy old guy on your block that always forgets to put his battle armour on when he goes out to get the mail. He's a weirdo and no one should trust him. Zeus on the other hand is a man's God who doesn't let his old lady tie him down. He keeps it real even when it means turning tricks into cows to save himself. The obvious choice, for any respectable male, would be to worship the God who's got the goods. His name is Zeus.

-Will Albrecht

-Jimmy Goodrich

Green Man: Hero or Menace?

On Friday, August 28 at the annual Strake Jesuit vs. Saint Thomas football game, hundreds of traumatized eye witnesses described to authorities seeing a featureless figure covered in smooth lime green from head to toe running on the field during halftime and provocatively dancing like a mad man. He is then said to have run off the field and jump clear over a 10 foot high fence without any hesitation. Fans were left scratching their heads and comforting their crying children, befuddled as to what they all saw. The questions that circulated through that crowd of disturbed onlookers still remain unanswered: “Who is this masked vigilante?”, “What does he want with us?”, and “Why is his suit so revealingly tight?” I intend to dodge these questions in this in depth exposé on the infamous “Green Man”.

You may be thinking to yourself, “Hey, man, what’s the big deal? It’s not like Green Man is hurting anybody.” Well, you smelly hippie, the “big deal” is that the actions performed by this green menace on that fateful night had a profound and terrible affect on a number of witnesses involved. The most namely of these victims is the St. Thomas marching band. This group of valiant young men practiced their respective instruments day in and day out, until their fingers were worn down to mere nubs, all to liven up the festivities with a spectacular rendition of the B-52’s masterpiece, “Rock Lobster.” All was going well when these brave young musical champions gallantly marched onto the field, casting a wake of swooning young girls and talent scouts. They played their hearts out and the crowd loved it; up until a shrill cry flew up from a young woman in the students section. “What is that thing?!” she shrieked as everyone looked in the direction she was pointing. The one cry turned to a hundred as the people directed their attention (somehow) away from the astonishingly captivating St. Thomas marching band. The band was unsure what to do, for they had never been ignored by anyone, ever. In confusion, the band stopped playing and turned to watch what the audience was overlooking them for. A little later, after the green abomination had left the field, the band was still in a daze from what they had just witnessed. The band director, finding himself in a rare position of power over these titans of the arts, proceeded to chew out the band for not completing what was sure to be the most influential rendition of any B-52’s song ever (which is saying something). The band has never been the same since. They have fallen from their social throne and now sit somewhere between the St. Thomas football team and Urkel, all because that ascetically nauseating green blob had to blob his way across the field during their legendary performance.

Disgusting.

In response to these happenings, a few weeks after the notorious “G day” a small subculture began to develop around green man. A handful of misguided teens, striving to be different no matter who gets offended started a profile on the social networking website facebook under the name “Man Green”. Very clever you hipsters, but flipping the name around won’t deter anyone from finding the filth you are promoting. On the page itself, confused and most likely demented devotees wrote, “I love you” and “my hero.” Hero? A hero is defined as “: a man admired for his achievements and noble qualities”. What achievements does this monstrosity have? Making a fool out of himself? Terrorizing hundreds of innocent fans? Unsuccessfully doing the lawn mower? None of these achievements would ever be even in the same ballpark as noble. In fact, I think the real hero is the freshman so cleverly dressed as a lobster (the band was playing Rock LOBSTER! Get it?!) that chased after that menace in an effort to restore order in those chaotic two minutes. Although he was unsuccessful, the act itself was enough for this reporter to label him as a national hero.

The basic fact of the matter is that whoever the green man really is, any person willing to dress up like a mascot for a spandex outlet and dance in front of a crowd that big for no reason clearly has issues. And what’s with the mask anyway; what has he got to hide? Nothing good. That’s what. So I propose a plan to rid us of this green man once and for all. As evidenced by the video of this horrendous display, the green man’s only weakness are wooden pallets lying on the ground. They are his kryptonite. Therefore we should spread these pallets throughout the school grounds in case he decides to show his non-face again. So if you are still one of the fools that dare to ponder “who is green man?” I have a simple answer for you: “He's a criminal that's who he is! A vigilante! A public menace! He’s a trouble maker and he must be stopped for the good of the community!” And if you dare to disagree with that, well then maybe YOU are the green man. Don’t bother running; I’ve already contacted the authorities.

-Will Albrecht