Green Man: Hero or Menace?

On Friday, August 28 at the annual Strake Jesuit vs. Saint Thomas football game, hundreds of traumatized eye witnesses described to authorities seeing a featureless figure covered in smooth lime green from head to toe running on the field during halftime and provocatively dancing like a mad man. He is then said to have run off the field and jump clear over a 10 foot high fence without any hesitation. Fans were left scratching their heads and comforting their crying children, befuddled as to what they all saw. The questions that circulated through that crowd of disturbed onlookers still remain unanswered: “Who is this masked vigilante?”, “What does he want with us?”, and “Why is his suit so revealingly tight?” I intend to dodge these questions in this in depth exposé on the infamous “Green Man”.

You may be thinking to yourself, “Hey, man, what’s the big deal? It’s not like Green Man is hurting anybody.” Well, you smelly hippie, the “big deal” is that the actions performed by this green menace on that fateful night had a profound and terrible affect on a number of witnesses involved. The most namely of these victims is the St. Thomas marching band. This group of valiant young men practiced their respective instruments day in and day out, until their fingers were worn down to mere nubs, all to liven up the festivities with a spectacular rendition of the B-52’s masterpiece, “Rock Lobster.” All was going well when these brave young musical champions gallantly marched onto the field, casting a wake of swooning young girls and talent scouts. They played their hearts out and the crowd loved it; up until a shrill cry flew up from a young woman in the students section. “What is that thing?!” she shrieked as everyone looked in the direction she was pointing. The one cry turned to a hundred as the people directed their attention (somehow) away from the astonishingly captivating St. Thomas marching band. The band was unsure what to do, for they had never been ignored by anyone, ever. In confusion, the band stopped playing and turned to watch what the audience was overlooking them for. A little later, after the green abomination had left the field, the band was still in a daze from what they had just witnessed. The band director, finding himself in a rare position of power over these titans of the arts, proceeded to chew out the band for not completing what was sure to be the most influential rendition of any B-52’s song ever (which is saying something). The band has never been the same since. They have fallen from their social throne and now sit somewhere between the St. Thomas football team and Urkel, all because that ascetically nauseating green blob had to blob his way across the field during their legendary performance.

Disgusting.

In response to these happenings, a few weeks after the notorious “G day” a small subculture began to develop around green man. A handful of misguided teens, striving to be different no matter who gets offended started a profile on the social networking website facebook under the name “Man Green”. Very clever you hipsters, but flipping the name around won’t deter anyone from finding the filth you are promoting. On the page itself, confused and most likely demented devotees wrote, “I love you” and “my hero.” Hero? A hero is defined as “: a man admired for his achievements and noble qualities”. What achievements does this monstrosity have? Making a fool out of himself? Terrorizing hundreds of innocent fans? Unsuccessfully doing the lawn mower? None of these achievements would ever be even in the same ballpark as noble. In fact, I think the real hero is the freshman so cleverly dressed as a lobster (the band was playing Rock LOBSTER! Get it?!) that chased after that menace in an effort to restore order in those chaotic two minutes. Although he was unsuccessful, the act itself was enough for this reporter to label him as a national hero.

The basic fact of the matter is that whoever the green man really is, any person willing to dress up like a mascot for a spandex outlet and dance in front of a crowd that big for no reason clearly has issues. And what’s with the mask anyway; what has he got to hide? Nothing good. That’s what. So I propose a plan to rid us of this green man once and for all. As evidenced by the video of this horrendous display, the green man’s only weakness are wooden pallets lying on the ground. They are his kryptonite. Therefore we should spread these pallets throughout the school grounds in case he decides to show his non-face again. So if you are still one of the fools that dare to ponder “who is green man?” I have a simple answer for you: “He's a criminal that's who he is! A vigilante! A public menace! He’s a trouble maker and he must be stopped for the good of the community!” And if you dare to disagree with that, well then maybe YOU are the green man. Don’t bother running; I’ve already contacted the authorities.

-Will Albrecht