Thursday, February 25, 2010

On Italia and the Cowardly Lion

Italy is a most curious nation. It possesses a distinct identity, but shares many aspects with other countries. France, like Italy, can be used as a name drop if you wish to present yourself as a pompous self-loathing douche fag. For example: “Excuse me sir, I only drink French wine” or “Oh, I am glad you asked me about my rug. It's Italian, you know”. Certainly we can also see a similarity between Italy and America: they take great pride in their nationality. What's not to take pride in? They have the Coliseum, a city where the streets are made of rivers, and the Pope. Likewise, America has Madison Square Garden, New Orleans, and Rev. Al Sharpton.

One of Italy's most distinguishing features is its love of pasta. It is undeniable. Ever since Italy stole the concept from the Chinese, Italians could not resist the magic of pasta. This particular feature actually makes them feline. The logic is as follows:

1. Italy loves pasta.

2. Cats love lasagna.

3. Lasagna is pasta.

4. Italy loves lasagna.

Therefore, through this flawless logic, Italians must be cats.

This proof of the “felinity” of Italy has interesting implications. It forces questions like “What kind of cat is Italy?” or “Does Italy cough up slobbery fur balls?” Unfortunately, I cannot answer the latter question, but perhaps I may be able to shed some light on the first. Through the Roman Empire, Italy ruled the world like a king. Perhaps like a king of the jungle. And what is the king of the jungle? You guessed it: a lion. Italy has already been recognized as prideful. Lions travel, hunt and live in packs called prides. Some may call this a coincidence, but I call it evidence. Italy is a lion.

Lions take what they want. Lions are masters of their territory. Lions kill. I believe it was the astute Nicholas Cage who once said, “We come from a long line of robbers and highwaymen in Italy, you know. Killers, even.” Further insight into the undeniable truth. But why must we stop there? We must continue to prod the idea with questions. What kind of Lion is Italy? Perhaps it is a happy lion, or maybe a green lion. Dare I say, a lion voiced by James Earl Jones? While none of these are bad inferences, I believe none of them accurately describe Italy.

Let us take a moment to divulge into Italy's history of war. When Rome was first sacked and burned, no resistance was offered. After another potential attack, the Roman Empire fled from Italy altogether. In both World War I and World War II, Italy switched their alliance mid-war to the winning side. The Germans know how to lose a war. They do it with courage and honor. Italy on the other hand, they just say “Mama Mia Donatello! We-a-picked the wrong side-a-again! Oh well we will just join-a the Americanolis”. This rather racist account of Italian history reveals a lack of courage. A lack of courage is cowardice. This is to say, that Italy is a cowardly lion.

If Italy is a cowardly lion, then it is safe to assume that Italy is the cowardly lion. And if we were to continue in this fashion, clearly this would make China the tin man for its industrial nature and lack of heart. France would be Dorothy because she is a whiney twat with a vagina. Toto would be Canada because they are both useless. The wicked witch of the west would be North Korea because she, like North Korea, is an unstable cunt who commands a horde of flying monkeys. Russia is Auntie Em because they share a nagging drinking problem. America is the scare crow. Why? Because although we may have no brains at times, Dorothy/ France owes us a bj. And, in the sequel, the scare crow becomes the king of and Oz. America is king of the world.

As I have empirically shown above, the fact that Italy loves itself some pasta proves that America is king of the World.

Fin.

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